Stupid Utah weather. Utah weather is ridiculous. No, to call Utah weather “ridiculous” is a slap in the face to ridiculous things everywhere.
I thought I’d finally gotten my office back. I’ve been waiting since October, stuck inside for months huddled in front of a laptop like some … I dunno, who huddles in front of laptops these days? Wait, it’s 2016. So … everyone, right?
But I like to do my huddling outside. In fact, I like to do pretty much everything outside. Yeah, everything. If you just got a weird mental image, it might be accurate. No pooping, though. But editing? You betcha.
At some point last month, I declared victory over another atrocious Utah winter, which was really stupid of me. Last year, we got a massive snow dump in the middle of spring, and the snow sat on the leaves and snapped massive tree limbs. It was a disaster. So far this spring (“spring”), temperatures have jumped around everywhere from the 20s to the 80s.
In the Nashville area, we sure as hell get winter — I have lived through enough city-crippling ice storms to last a lifetime. So it’s not that I’m not used to snow. But in Florida, I became totally spoiled. Winter in north central Florida is what spring is here in Cedar City, except without the bipolar flip-flopping. Of course, there’s a tradeoff, because summer in Florida is like getting gang raped in a sauna by mosquitoes. But I like the heat, and I have lots of blood, so that’s a deal I’m willing to make. I’d rather be sweaty and itchy than frigid and bitchy.
So when winter ends here, it feels like I just survived the 1939 siege of Warsaw. Emerging slowly from my hiding place, I survey the vast, barren wasteland that is the withered remains of my backyard. It’s horrifying.
So here I am at 8:30 in the morning at the end of April, and I’m huddled in front of my laptop, indoors. I’m wearing fuzzy socks, multiple layers, and a toboggan — and I’m pissed!
And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. The birds are chirping, and I can tell by the tone of their voices that they are basically asking each other, “What’s this bullshit?” Their dawn chorus has turned into a bitch session.
The flowers have bloomed, those idiots, and they will pay for their foolish optimism tomorrow evening when, according to the forecast it is supposed to — brace yourselves — snow. Again.
If April showers bring May flowers, what does April snow bring? Carnage!
Walter Sobchek’s buddies didn’t die face-down in the mud just so that we could be tyrannized by these frosty little invaders. This aggression will not stand, man! Can I get some damned global warming over here already? Seriously, y’all, I am on the verge of emptying a shotgun into the sky. And I’m a pacifist. Or at least, I was.
This November, let’s vote for whichever candidate can control the weather. I don’t care about anything else at this point. I’m pretty sure Destro from G.I Joe was on to something like that. Support decent Utah weather! Vote for Destro!
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Suggest you move 50 miles to St. George. No snow except those once in 10 year winters. Certainly no snow in April.
Believe me, it is appealing. True, being in 110-degree heat last summer with the wind blowing felt like being inside a hair dryer, but I’ll take it any day over this nonsense.