stupid Utah weather
Photo: Debs / CC BY 2.0

Stupid Utah weather. Utah weather is ridiculous. No, to call Utah weather “ridiculous” is a slap in the face to ridiculous things everywhere.

I thought I’d finally gotten my office back. I’ve been waiting since October, stuck inside for months huddled in front of a laptop like some … I dunno, who huddles in front of laptops these days? Wait, it’s 2016. So … everyone, right?

stupid Utah weather
Photo: Alan Levine / CC BY 2.0

But I like to do my huddling outside. In fact, I like to do pretty much everything outside. Yeah, everything. If you just got a weird mental image, it might be accurate. No pooping, though. But editing? You betcha.

At some point last month, I declared victory over another atrocious Utah winter, which was really stupid of me. Last year, we got a massive snow dump in the middle of spring, and the snow sat on the leaves and snapped massive tree limbs. It was a disaster. So far this spring (“spring”), temperatures have jumped around everywhere from the 20s to the 80s.

In the Nashville area, we sure as hell get winter — I have lived through enough city-crippling ice storms to last a lifetime. So it’s not that I’m not used to snow. But in Florida, I became totally spoiled. Winter in north central Florida is what spring is here in Cedar City, except without the bipolar flip-flopping. Of course, there’s a tradeoff, because summer in Florida is like getting gang raped in a sauna by mosquitoes. But I like the heat, and I have lots of blood, so that’s a deal I’m willing to make. I’d rather be sweaty and itchy than frigid and bitchy.

stupid Utah weather
Photo: Stephen Harlan / CC BY 2.0

So when winter ends here, it feels like I just survived the 1939 siege of Warsaw. Emerging slowly from my hiding place, I survey the vast, barren wasteland that is the withered remains of my backyard. It’s horrifying.

So here I am at 8:30 in the morning at the end of April, and I’m huddled in front of my laptop, indoors. I’m wearing fuzzy socks, multiple layers, and a toboggan — and I’m pissed!

And I’m pretty sure I’m not alone. The birds are chirping, and I can tell by the tone of their voices that they are basically asking each other, “What’s this bullshit?” Their dawn chorus has turned into a bitch session.

The flowers have bloomed, those idiots, and they will pay for their foolish optimism tomorrow evening when, according to the forecast it is supposed to — brace yourselves — snow. Again.

If April showers bring May flowers, what does April snow bring? Carnage!

stupid Utah weather
Photo: Doris Weasley / CC BY-SA 3.0

Walter Sobchek’s buddies didn’t die face-down in the mud just so that we could be tyrannized by these frosty little invaders. This aggression will not stand, man! Can I get some damned global warming over here already? Seriously, y’all, I am on the verge of emptying a shotgun into the sky. And I’m a pacifist. Or at least, I was.

This November, let’s vote for whichever candidate can control the weather. I don’t care about anything else at this point. I’m pretty sure Destro from G.I Joe was on to something like that. Support decent Utah weather! Vote for Destro!

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