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Your Weekly Horoscope

July 24, 2016

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Look inside yourself for strength this week, dear Aquarius. Since you’re not going to Tijuana after all, that bag of heroin you hid in your ass is fair game.

You may be feeling extra emotional this week due to the Pisces Moon. Or at least you can blame it on that when you inevitably slap an old lady.

This week you may find an old romance rekindling. Wait, my bad, you may find an old lover putting kindling around your house. You never should have dumped them via social media.

If you care to listen, the Tarot will speak very clearly to you this week. It will say, “I am total horseshit.”

Honor your need for privacy this week, although think twice about having yourself buried alive this time. That was a close call.

Slow and steady wins the race this week. No more than two beers per hour until next Sunday, at least.

This week, the stars seem to spell out, “Have some more pie.” For the love of God, don’t. Stars are idiots.

As the week progresses, you’ll find yourself filled with dread for the weekend. That’s what you get for agreeing to help your neighbor move.

This week will test your conscience or rather your ability to spell “conscience” for a co-worker. You knew cheating on that 3^rd grade spelling test would come back to bite you.

You’ll go into this week full of piss and vinegar. You’ll come out of this week full of rum and Coke and possibly a baby.

You will find Jesus this week…Oh! Not that Jesus. You’ll find a lawyer named Jesus Ramirez when you’re arrested for sexually assaulting your neighbor’s mailbox.