You have to check out the DSU rebranding survey. You may have read earlier when I poked fun at Dixie State University’s misguided rebranding efforts. And rightly so. Every time I have to type “Dixie State University,” I shudder a little. It is one of the worst possible names for an American university in 2015.
This is coming from a guy whose Alma Mater’s mascot is a giant red blob that appears to be Grimace’s mentally disabled nephew.
DSU rebranding is a great idea. As I joked, the menstrual implications of “Red Storm” should’ve been clear enough to make that a non-option. But of course, the university is not interested in changing the worst thing about it: its name. Like a belligerent child, it is too stubborn to respond constructively to criticism and too stupid and self-righteous to understand why it should. We expect nothing less. I’m just happy not to have “Dixie State University” (ugh) on my resume. Instead, I write “yeehaw” with barbecue sauce on all job applications. Same thing.
DSU is, however, changing everything else about itself. Love Communications has come up with six hilariously bad options to choose from in a DSU rebranding survey which is too funny to miss. And I have generously attempted to salvage these six entertainingly pitiful ideas by taking their angle and improving upon the final product. Free of charge! You’re welcome.
The Raptors
“The Utahraptor was one of the fiercest dinosaurs ever to walk the Earth,” claims Love’s campaign. What a silly claim to make. But it’s appropriate if you think about it: Here, we have a Utah-based organization — another one — making audacious claims about quasi-fictional historical “facts” that it has no way of backing up. Sound familiar?
But this is the best part about this mascot: Raptor Jesus! Yes! Pick this dismal option, and we will all be making jokes about the “velocirapture” for eternity. I actually really hope it happens. I voted!
Solution: The T-Rexes
Does anyone fuck with a Tyrannosaurus Rex? Nope. If you’re going for the dinosaur thing, stop dicking around with raptors.
The Sun Warriors
Sun Warrior is a brand of vegan protein powder. If DSU’s motto were “Go Vegan and Get Buff!” I’d say damn, ya nailed it.
The mascot’s name is “Apollo.” I think “Raptor Jesus” is way more badass. Placing the nude god of knowledge as the mascot of a university that is having an open relationship with the LDS Church almost seems like heresy. May as well go all out and shoot for Zeus.
This really looks like the idea of a marketing student who has spent way too much time playing online role-playing games. The mock-up looks like Gimli. The “WTF” factor is strong with this one.
Solution: The Demogorgons
If we’re going to make a pagan god into a university mascot, make it the Prince of Demons. Seriously. The DSU Demogorgons? Hell yeah!
The Marshals
Mustangs? You mean the horses that the BLM chases down in helicopters and machine-guns to death? Or however they do it. You want that to be the mascot? Okay! I’d better start writing horse meat jokes. IKEA meatballs, anyone?
Solution: The Centaurs
Of course, for this to really work, the Centaur needs to have an AK-47 or something — probably two — not a spear or a lute or whatever. And if the horse portion needs to be robotic … so be it.
The Blazers
Seriously? A buffalo named “Blaze”? In the mock-up, his eyes even seem a little bloodshot.
Come on, guys. The stoner reference is so obvious that it hurts. Making pot brownies for DSU games will become big business in St. George. (I mean, bigger than it already is.)
Solution: The Drug Lords
If you are going to open the doors to drug references, it had better be rugged. You need to reference a druggie that no one screws with, not one who has the munchies. The DSU Drug Lords won’t just win that game; they’ll blow up the opposing team’s cars, break their knees, and murder their families. Over the top? You betcha. But it wasn’t my idea to make a drug reference.
The Wranglers
Unfortunately, “Brokeback Mountain” has permanently altered the stereotype of the rugged cowboy. See a picture of a bearded man in chaps and a cowboy hat, and you immediately wonder if his butt cheeks are cold. This is a pretty lame idea, but it looks great compared to the others.
Solution: The Pioneers
How did Love Communications miss this one? The pioneers were some badass dudes, whereas I think most southern Utahns would die if they had to walk instead of drive to Wal-Mart. But those old dudes were tough as nails, and considering the insatiable local fetish for ancestor worship, the fact that this idea wasn’t already on the table is mind-blowing.
The Rock Hounds
Excuse me, sir. Your mascot is humping my leg. Is that thing potty trained?
You’d think that a marketing firm based out of Utah would know that a rockhound is an amateur geologist, not a dog. That actually would’ve been a fitting mascot. However, the mixed metaphor waters down the meaning, resulting in another weak, unfocused mascot idea.
Like the Wrangler, the Rock Hound’s name is “Red.” Perfectly forgettable. But cute!
Solution: Rock Man
Yes, I’m talking about a Japanese Nintendo game from the early ’80s. The game was called “Mega Man” in the U.S., but Rock Man was a cyborg who assimilated his opponents’ strengths after their defeat much like a warrior might eat the heart of his nemesis to gain his strength. Along those lines, The Cannibal might be an effective mascot as well. Better than a pooch.
Conclusion
Maybe Love Communication is owned by someone’s brother-in-law or nephew. That’s how things work around here. At any rate, they failed to generate anything enticing, and what they offered that was original was unimaginative at best.
I really hope the raptor wins. But DSU’s rebranding survey is a lose-lose-lose-lose-lose-lose situation, and we’ll have plenty to joke about for years no matter what the new mascot ends up being.
RELATED ARTICLES
Dixie State University begins re-branding efforts
POLL: What do you think DSU’s new mascot should be?
CARTOON: DSU’s latest rebrand-aid
DSU rebranding survey open to community
DSU rebranding and the false sense of achievement
You need to go to your Alma Mater and ask for your money back. Apparently, you didn’t learn enough to know better than to insult persons with mental disabilities in your efforts to write a somewhat humorous opinion piece. Who was your journalism professor, Larry the Cable Guy ? Otherwise, an OK opinion piece. I almost laughed in a couple places.