These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
It will appear that Lady Luck is smiling on you when you discover an entire patch of four-leaf clover in your yard this week. That’s actually mutation due to fallout. And you almost certainly have leukemia by now. You are a cancer, though. Seems like you would have seen this coming.
The best way to deal with confrontational coworkers this week? Kill them with kindness! It’s easy, just poison some brownies and bring them into the office.
You’re on thin ice this week. The Utah Shakespeare Festival isn’t going to continue to tolerate you randomly springing to your feet in applause shouting “Bravo!” much longer, so maybe drinking two bottles of wine before every play is a tradition you should retire.
Your repeated uninformed political rants on social media are finally paying off. You will get the quiet time you’ve wanted, having irrevocably alienated your friends and family. Just keep telling yourself that it’s lonely at the top.
You should stop using “Jesus saves” as an excuse to collect and store your semen in a jar. No one is buying it. You should just get rid of it before another awkward “this mayonnaise tastes like it’s expired” incident.
This week you will discover that things are much easier when you just don’t give a damn about anything. Well, at least at first. Once you’ve lost your job, partner, home, and car, things will be a bit more difficult.
Things will take a strange turn for you this week when you mistake a boring work meeting for a lucid dream and try to body slam your boss before shouting “I run this bitch now!”
Don’t let anyone convince you that your bologna’s first name is Oscar. It’s Phillip. Its name is Phillip.
Making one of those fun elevator jokes will seem like a good idea until you get stuck between floors and have to deal with the extended awkwardness caused by your live action fart joke.
There is a small chance the email from the Nigerian Prince asking for help in claiming his inheritance is real. In which case you should introduce him to the girl who sent you the email saying she is, “just funn Armarican girl looking four luve.”
Today you might be able to tune in to the thoughts and feelings of others. While it will seem exciting at first, you’ll soon realize that everyone is just as self-centered and narcissistic as you. There is nothing quite as boring as listing to someone nervously think about their eyebrows for an hour.
Your neighbor’s new collection of creepy looking lawn gnomes will only get creepier this week when you see one of them cock its head at you and smile.
