Medicare wellness exams: Banana, sunrise, chair
It’s just routine: Every year for citizens 65 and older, in order to collect Medicare benefits, you find a doctor, make an appointment, and swallow this new dose of medicine. Once you’ve established your “niche” in the world of Medicare, bills will start coming from Home Health and Hospice instead of the usual vendor Intermountain Health Care.
It’s not about wellness, it’s about dying. This just helps speed the process.
The first of my Medicare wellness exams went like this:
I’m home schooled in mammography. A graduate of colonoscopy, a hysterectomy meant no stirrups, just a prescription for estrogen. The doctor doesn’t look old enough to have a driver’s license and wears hiking boots, Levis, and plaid shirt. Polite and attentive, for a kid.
“Do you fall?” he asks.
“Fall?”
“Do you have good balance? Do you fall down?”
“Only when I’m skateboarding.” His side glance comes quickly.
“Remember these three words. I’ll ask you to repeat them: banana, sunrise, chair.”
“OK, banana, sunrise, chair.”
Ears, nose, throat: negative. Reflexes normal. Heart abnormalities: none. Abdominal discomfort, no. He has me draw a clock showing the time to be 1:15.
“Perfect, very nice.”
Like I’m a preschooler.
Any complaints, Mrs. Leth?”
I thought he’d never ask.
“Yes, chronic UTI’s, my bladder’s a swamp, mosquitoes, algae, the EPA….”
His side glance, disgusted this time, “We’ll need a urine sample.”
“What are the three words again?”
“Uhhh, banana, sunrise, chair,” I repeated.
“How is your short-term memory?”
“Perfect, not a problem.”
In the shower this morning, I remembered I’d already been there. Getting ready for bed last night, I was wearing two pairs of underwear. No problem!
“Can you tell me those words again?”
“Yes, eggs, milk, bread.”
“Hummm, the three words Mrs. Leth?”
“Oh, sorry. banana, sunrise, chair, I’m on my way to Wal-Mart.
Another side glance.
“Age-activated disorders, negative. You’re in perfect shape for your age. Do you have an email address?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good, you can go to mywellness.com, set up a password, and look for the results of your lab work.”
“Oh, very convenient, thank you.”
Me, remember one more password? I left the water running in the shrubs for three days. I wrote checks on the bank where the money wasn’t. He thinks I’ll remember lab work?
At home, I wandered around muttering to myself, “Banana, sunrise, chair; Banana, sunrise, chair,” wishing I had a map and compass so I could find the bathroom.
I just had my wellness “exam” yesterday morning. I was all set for the “apple, penny, watch” routine that they had been using for several years, so I was thrown for a loop when the nurse gave me three new ones, which I didn’t bother to repeat.
Then the dreaded 11:10 clock sketch.
“Now, what were those three words again?”
“Uhhh, banana, sunset, and I forgot.”
“Now let’s check your blood pressure.”
These tests are very intimidating and hope they stop doing them. A good Dr will know her patients well enough to determine if that type of test is necessary. Many of my age related friends are now refusing to take this test. I have had 5 of them including stays in rehab facilities. I suffer from high blood pressure so therefore my bld pressure rises through the roof knowing I have to take this test.
I am sure you will not respond to this comment, but here goes. I just went through my latest wellness exam. It was at a small clinic in the area. The Doctor was very nice, nurse was nice and then it came to the exam. Not 3 words but 5. Day of the week, year and the hands on the clock after you put the numbers on them. Put a check mark on the triangle and point to the shape that is the biggest. Then comes the math problem, you are given x amount of money, pay x amount for a dozen apples and 1 bike how much do you have left. Then repeat the 5 words but don’t tell me how many I remembered. And last the Jack and Jill story. This was intimidating, frustrating and down right stupid. Do not know many 21 years old who would ace this. Will be changing clinics and doctors.
I’ve had several annual Medicare visits and I’m never asked to repeat any words or to draw any clock. I wonder why?
I have been eligible for and receiving a Medicare advantage insurance for 7 years now. For the first time my doctor’s office ever called me stating for an annual exam. Thinking great I have had a couple physical concerns, an inability to update my family medical history which has to be done only through medical professional, not added in your computer program, requested by email or phone when you call. This exam was not the physical I expected in fact I was told with some physical/medical concerns I had I would have to schedule another appointment and pay. What is the point of this? Really? I want to discuss end of life preparations with a physician instead of a previous Dr’s recommendation that my heart be checked regularly or the sometimes problem with a medication I’m on or like real medical problems? No I am not worried about meeting rent or mortgage. No I am not worried about paying utilities ( and if I were the Dr office would do WHAT about it other than recommending applying for programs most people are aware of.) Yes I eat x servings of fruits and vegetables in a week. I eat red meat Y times a week. Nonsense! Let Doctors doctor for Godssakes!