When the only tool you have is a dollar store hammer, every problem starts to look like the head flying off and coldcocking your spouse.
When the only tool you have is a dollar store hammer, every problem starts to look like the head flying off and coldcocking your spouse.

Dollar Stores: Do you know the tricks of shopping there?

“What to buy (and not to buy) at the dollar store,” blared the headline for a Washington Post analysis of retail chains such as Dollar Tree and 99 Cents Only.

Although my own experiences have been mostly positive (clean, well-stocked, easily navigated stores with friendly employees), I can understand the need for the Post, Consumer Reports and other periodicals to offer pointers for maximizing the shopping experience.

First, the good news. Dollar stores have been a reliable source of snacks, party supplies, gift bags and toothpaste for my family. I was tickled to find perfectly serviceable reading glasses for my mother at ONE-FIFTH the price I had encountered at other “everyday low prices” stores. I am especially grateful for the name-brand “two for a dollar” greeting cards offered at dollar stores. I had always felt stupid emptying my wallet for “one and done” cards that should really say, “I can’t believe you’re six years old — and that this bleepin’ card cost more than the obstetrician who delivered you.”

On the other hand, consumer advocates advise checking the package weight, ingredients and expiration dates on “too good to be true” bargains. The date on processed meat should contain a month and year, not a reference to CARBON-14! And, regardless of the advertised SPF level, you probably won’t get much protection from sunscreen with a dusty label proclaiming, “When you run out of children to sacrifice, this offers last-ditch protection against that giant ball of fire in the sky.”

Critics warn that “you get what you pay for” and should be willing to shop for high-quality versions of certain items at actual hardware stores. You know the old saying: “When the only tool you have is a dollar hammer, every problem starts to look like the head flying off and coldcocking your spouse.”

Cosmetic products may be watered down or contain harsher ingredients than other brands. But in case you’re putting on a community theater production of “The Wizard of Oz,” can you really pass up spending a buck to have a REALISTIC portrayal of someone with green skin moaning, “I’m melting, I’m melting”?

Toys can be particularly lacking in sturdiness. “Stop crying over that busted paddle ball or I’ll GIVE you something to cry about — a sack of dollar yo-yos!”

Skeptics say some fly-by-night suppliers are lacking in transparency, track record and accountability. On the other hand, the vaunted name-brand manufacturers can afford the best lobbyists and lawyers: “Battery spewed acid down your esophagus? We have this bunny that just keeps going and going and going… back to court. Don’t spend your settlement in one place. Aw, you splurged on gum.”

Dollar stores have been controversial in some communities. They are accused of driving grocery stores out of business and reducing access to fresh food. Tulsa, Oklahoma and other cities have imposed restrictions on the establishments. Because, you know, consumers who would invest a dollar in an extension cord are going to live long enough to reap the health benefits of kale and mangoes.

Finally, no kidding, home pregnancy tests are among the top selling items at dollar stores. Sales really spike after some Lothario stocks up on dollar bottles of wine. Perhaps those Lotharios should toss in an appropriate greeting card: “I can’t believe this wine is six days old — and cost more than my vasectomy.”

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Controversial author Harlan Ellison once described the work of Danny Tyree as "wonkily extrapolative" and said Tyree's mind "works like a demented cuckoo clock." Ellison was speaking primarily of Tyree’s 1983-2000 stint on the "Dan T’s Inferno" column for “Comics Buyer’s Guide” hobby magazine, but the description would also fit his weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades" column for mainstream newspapers. Inspired by Dave Barry, Al "Li'l Abner" Capp, Lewis Grizzard, David Letterman, and "Saturday Night Live," "Tyree's Tyrades" has been taking a humorous look at politics and popular culture since 1998. Tyree has written on topics as varied as Rent-A-Friend.com, the Lincoln bicentennial, "Woodstock At 40," worm ranching, the Vatican conference on extraterrestrials, violent video games, synthetic meat, the decline of soap operas, robotic soldiers, the nation's first marijuana café, Sen. Joe Wilson’s "You lie!" outburst at President Obama, Internet addiction, "Is marriage obsolete?," electronic cigarettes, 8-minute sermons, early puberty, the Civil War sesquicentennial, Arizona's immigration law, the 50th anniversary of the Andy Griffith Show, armed teachers, "Are women smarter than men?," Archie Andrews' proposal to Veronica, 2012 and the Mayan calendar, ACLU school lawsuits, cutbacks at ABC News, and the 30th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. Tyree generated a particular buzz on the Internet with his column spoofing real-life Christian nudist camps. Most of the editors carrying "Tyree’s Tyrades" keep it firmly in place on the opinion page, but the column is very versatile. It can also anchor the lifestyles section or float throughout the paper. Nancy Brewer, assistant editor of the "Lawrence County (TN) Advocate" says she "really appreciates" what Tyree contributes to the paper. Tyree has appeared in Tennesee newspapers continuously since 1998. Tyree is a lifelong small-town southerner. He graduated from Middle Tennessee State University in 1982 with a bachelor's degree in Mass Communications. In addition to writing the weekly "Tyree’s Tyrades," he writes freelance articles for MegaBucks Marketing of Elkhart, Indiana. Tyree wears many hats (but still falls back on that lame comb-over). He is a warehousing and communications specialist for his hometown farmers cooperative, a church deacon, a comic book collector, a husband (wife Melissa is a college biology teacher), and a late-in-life father. (Six-year-old son Gideon frequently pops up in the columns.)

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