Top 10 comedic news stories of 2018

—10. Proposal to give teachers guns. Brilliant idea. And the cure for concussions is hammers. It admittedly would add an interesting element to the faculty lounge. Might help parent teacher conferences resolve a little earlier. Of course, then all the school employees would want them. And the librarians would demand silencers on theirs.

—9. Kim Kardashian meets with Trump. In May, the two broke the old record for largest assemblage of White House ass, set in 1978 when Jimmy Carter welcomed the Upper Michigan Donkey Basketball Champions. Five months later, her husband Kanye West set the bar even higher. Or lower.

—8. Kim Jong Un and the Singapore Summit. A win-win. Trump got a great photo op, and Kim Jong Un got to leave North Korea and eat real food.

—7. Books on Trump. Four major publications and everyone calls him nuttier than the hospitality suite at a squirrel convention. Stormy Daniels said his male member looks like a mushroom, prompting a protest from the American Mushroom Institute. Apparently, every 20 years America needs to know the shape of the leader of the leader of the free world.

—6. Vladimir Putin and the Helsinki Summit. The president made Neville Chamberlain look like a mixed martial arts champ. He sucked up so hard he probably left hickeys.

—5. UN laughs at Trump. After he claimed to be the best president ever, they laughed. And because of translation delays, it was a slow ripple of laughter punctuated by the occasional guffaw.

—4. White House corruption. His malfeasance is so large that it can be seen from space. Rick Gates testified under oath that he stole money from Paul Manafort, who stole money from Donald Trump, who stole money from everybody. These guys are the Russian nesting dolls of crime.

—3. The Kavanaugh hearings. Women outraged for being allegedly disenfranchised and white men outraged for … having their alleged entitlements challenged.

—2. The blue wave. Against all odds, the Democrats actually exhibited a pulse. The midterms were less of an election and more of an intervention.

—1. Donald John Trump. Refuses to release his DNA to prove he’s a carbon-based life form. The president calls his administration a finely tuned machine, which certainly sounds better than an out-of-control dumpster fire but might be a little less apt.

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