Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will pee your pants when someone points out that a fact isn’t what you thought it was.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
Follow your heart. I know it’s a cliché, but I truly mean it. If someone carves it out of your chest, you should chase them down and put that sucker on ice.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Unusual dreams may come to you this week, but don’t let them bother you. Ice cream can’t really grow hair.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
You will reconnect with an old pet on social media this week. I know, Facebook is getting weird.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Re-evaluate your priorities this week. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, but you can make mead with the latter and a nice balsamic reduction with the former.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You will lose a big spelling bee this week when you misspell “butthole.”
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
This is the week to stop saying that things are “Greek” to you. It’s clear that you can barely manage English; you obviously wouldn’t know Greek if it bit you on the glans.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your natural practicality will lead you to discovering that you can simply Gorilla Tape your pants to your midsection, thereby rendering unnecessary the hassles of wearing a belt or suspenders.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Use your expanded mental and emotional capabilities to discern how many donuts you can eat without suffering a heart attack.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Change is in the air. It might be diapers or coins — hard to tell.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You’re so fond of chatter that it shouldn’t take much to get involved with almost anyone. And you’re so fond of cheddar that you will undergo a major coronary event this month.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You will pee your pants when someone points out that your religion was made up by an adulterous pedophiliac con man.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
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