Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
Feeling left out, you will attempt your own school shooting, except that you don’t know the difference between a real gun and Laser Tag. Don’t worry — you’ll still be in the news.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
Try to realize that you’re unique and that you have skills and talents that set you apart from everyone. Not everyone can fart on command.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Have you alternately laughed and cried over something this week? That’s because you’re schizophrenic.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
All signs suggest that you could forget a lot of important things this week. Double-check your zipper.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
Spend as much time resting as you can this week, because if you expect to survive, you’ll need as much energy as you can summon when the manhunt begins.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
Your efforts on the domestic front have certainly paid off this week as there is almost no poop on your living room floor.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
Your spouse will drive you nuts this week. Kill ‘em with kindness! A little cyanide mixed into a bowl of ice cream should do it.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Today brings a perfect opportunity to make lemonade out of lemons. But you’re too lazy for that, so you’ll just buy some lemonade and call it a day.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Your self-confidence will be at an all-time low this week, which will give you a much more realistic perspective.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Some interesting moneymaking opportunities are likely to come your way. You’ve had sex with worse, so you may as well.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
Your significant other will ask you to experiment with “butt play” this week. Don’t worry. After getting one good look at your heinous, flabby rear, the idea will lose its appeal.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
Feeling left out, you will attempt your own school shooting, except that you’ll screw it up and kill yourself before shooting anyone else. Don’t worry — you’ll still be in the news.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
