Historians raced to the Great Lakes area after an abandoned building filled mostly with glitter, pink and blue feathers, and phosphorescent animal fur was excavated in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan, leading to the discovery of the diary of Lisa Frank. The diary narrates the struggles of a despondent young woman trapped in an intolerably mundane and uneventful world inhabited by boring animals and insufficiently vivid colors.
Throughout its pages, the diary of Lisa Frank is punctuated with rare vintage photos of the young woman alongside illustrations of kaleidoscopic cats wearing diamond-studded tiaras; lustrous penguins inhabiting oversized, polychromatic tropical beverages; and playful, lustrous puppies sitting atop giant piles of kaleidoscopic ice cream.
Aside from being saturated in glitter, it is adorned with a number of rhinestones estimated by researchers to be sufficient, had he glanced at it, to have put Liberace into a coma. As it can only be viewed directly for a maximum of three minutes before causing headaches and convulsions, even with protective eyewear, researchers are analyzing the diary in shifts.
The despair of a 13-year-old Lisa Frank is palpable as she addresses the diary as “Dearest Kitty” throughout, betraying a seemingly inborn predisposition for anthropomorphizing animals as a coping mechanism.
An excerpt of the diary illustrates Frank’s pervading sense of desperate futility:
“I’ve reached the point where I hardly care whether I live or die. The world will keep on turning without me, and I can’t do anything to change events anyway. I’ll just let matters take their course and concentrate on rainbow and neon colors and stylized depictions of dolphins and unicorns and hope that everything will be all right in the end.”
In the margins, Frank appears to have used various highlighters to illustrate iridescent tears being wept by a chromatically variegated cheetah lounging upon a pile of gumballs. Another excerpt reveals the inner struggle of a young woman grappling with imprisonment in an uneventful reality that was insufficiently fanciful:
“It’s utterly impossible for me to build my life on a foundation of chaos, suffering, and death. I see the world being slowly transformed into a wilderness, I hear the approaching thunder that, one day, will destroy us too, I feel the suffering of millions. And yet, when I looked up at the sky, I somehow feel that everything will change for the better, that this cruelty too will end, that Trapper Keepers and lunchboxes will be covered with rainbow-winged horses, rabbits with psychedelic angel wings, ballerina teddy bears, and fluorescent pandas in hot air balloons. In the meantime, I must hold on to my ideals.”
At press time, Lisa Frank herself was spotted in Tuscon on all fours eating what appeared to be spray-painted popcorn in full-body day-glo paint and wearing a prosthetic unicorn horn.
Editor’s Note: This piece is satire. Liberace’s tolerance for rhinestones was legendary.