Vegan ladies are hot
Image: George Erws / CC BY-SA 2.0

Look, I’m a feminist, so I don’t mean to objectify anyone by saying that vegan ladies are hot. All people are beautiful and equally valuable regardless of any distinction, including gender. But let’s face it: from top to bottom, inside and out, vegan ladies are simply superior than your average run-of-the-mill lady in so many ways; they’re the Teslas of the human race.

Vegan ladies are hot
Carrie Underwood is always glowing because of vegetables. Image:
JOnasIsMyMiddleName:) / CC BY 2.0

Vegan ladies are fit and healthy

The fact is that vegans put less strain on their bodies with the food they eat. In a way, your body is like a giant filtration system, and the standard American diet pretty well turns that filter into a soggy, worn-out, disease-prone mess.

Vegan ladies have lower blood pressure and about a 12 percent lower risk of death. They’re generally in a better mood. Their risk of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, and obesity are lower, and that’s really just the tip of the health-benefits iceberg. Maybe you really like hanging out with dead people. But vegan ladies tend to be vibrant and long-lived. That’s hot.

Vegan ladies smell better

Vegan ladies are hot
Bleh. Image: gonegonetheformofman / CC BY-SA 3.0

It’s true, meat-eaters stink to high heaven. (Sorry, not sorry.) It’s called “negative body odor hedonicity,” and it translates thusly: ye smell most unsexy. A study clearly demonstrated the negative effects of eating flesh on body smell. That doesn’t mean that vegans don’t have body odor; it means that their body odor causes less of an “oh, that’s disgusting” biochemical reaction in others. And there are a variety of body odors that I don’t need to go into great detail about, aren’t there? Maybe you really like hanging out with smelly people. But vegan ladies tend to smell lovely. That’s hot.

No meat mouth or milk mouth

Speaking of which, bad breath is pretty much a universal turn-off. It’s not even about romance. If I can smell what you’re saying from a couple of feet away, I may just email you instead next time. Do you want to kiss someone knowing that pieces of a corpse were just macerated with that mouth? I think I’d rather lick a used syringe. Do you want anyone breathing in your face after some pustulant secretion slid its way down that gullet? That’s not hot.

Vegan ladies are hot
Hard to picture Avalokitesvara eating a steak, huh? Image: a-thammasak / CC BY 3.0

Vegan ladies are more loving and compassionate

True, one can eschew animal products for totally self-centered reasons. But central to the vegan ethic is ahimsa. No, not asthma, ahimsa. “Himsa” is the Sanskrit word for “harming,” so ahimsa is “not harming.” So ahimsa is basically not being a jerk. Can you imagine the Virgin Mary slitting a cow’s throat? Yeah, me neither.

A lot of women love to go on about abortion being murder (and I’m not saying that they don’t have a point), but then they chow down on the tortured-to-death remains of a baby. Wow, you’re truly a champion for justice, ma’am.

I’ll go out on a limb and say that a person who has decided not to do something in recognition of the harm it brings to others is at least developing an overall mindset of compassion toward others. Vegan ladies are true bodhisattvas. Nurturing qualities in others tend to be alluring to both genders. Just as the female form is attractive, less tangible elements—like personality traits and values—can be just as much so. And that’s hot!

Vegan ladies are intelligent

Vegan ladies are hot
Writer Colleen Patrick-Goudreau is no mental slouch. Image: Colleen Patrick-Goudreau / CC BY-SA 2.5

For the sapiosexual, a free-thinking, well-read, and witty woman is simply irresistible. Not everyone is a sapiosexual, although if you actually like your women stupid, you might just be a sex offender. (I feel like I’m on the cusp of a Jeff Foxworthy joke here.) Either way, even though the the media and society-at-large do a very good job of reinforcing the dietary and ethical mythology of American culture, there are those who are smart enough to cut through the white noise of delusion.

I am always amazed when someone mentions protein. Like it’s an issue. And I wonder, can this person read? But the question is really “Does this person read?” A simple understanding of the makeup of cells should be enough to inform any public school graduate that all organic material contains protein. I’m not even going to start in on this, because the facts are all over the Internet.

What’s worse is the “happy cow” myth. We lie to our children with this idea that farmed animals endure anything less than a hell-on-earth holocaust. What’s just as bad are the myths that we “need” meat or dairy … or that they’re even benign. They’re not. But according to our culture—which is wrong and which is killing us—they’re not benign at all. And locally, the coup de grace is the enormous amount of water it takes to produce animal foods. Our friends in other areas are experiencing severe drought. Do you know how many factory farms are in drought-stricken California? And our local authorities are considering doing some really stupid things in order to bring more water here. So stop using so much of it! You would save more water by going vegan than ceasing watering your lawns (of course, as we are living in a desert, I might have a couple words to say about that as well. Another day).

It takes a person who is willing to learn and find out for him or herself to connect the dots and figure out how destructive and suicidal mainstream Western cultural trends are. And that takes a lot of heart but also brains. And that’s friggin’ hot.

Vegan ladies are strong and self-confident

Vegan ladies are hot
Nothing hotter than a lady who stands up for others. Image: Alba Paris / CC BY-NC-ND 4.0 Used with permission.

Unless you grew up with River and Joaquin Phoenix, chances are your entire family is not vegetarian. And chances are that they react with vitriol when their beliefs are challenged with facts and contrary behavior. Can we say “excommunicated”?

Veganism and vegetarianism are becomingly increasingly commonplace in Westernized societies, but despite the proliferation of Judeo-Christian rhetoric, vegans and vegetarians are somehow still minorities. Why, hello, cognitive dissonance. How are you today?

Particularly in this red state, which is regarded by much of the rest of the Union as an intellectual desert and an ethical three-ring circus, people who think for themselves and do what’s right rather than what’s popular stick out like the sorest of thumbs, and they are frequently persecuted by both friends and family as well as strangers. It takes guts to be true to yourself and stand up to bullying and ostracizing families and a nation whose values are generally violent, domineering, and egoistic. Especially here, where the state motto is “Obey Or Else,” it’s a breath of fresh air to see people who refuse to be shackled by the mental chains of the status quo.

And that, my dear friends, is soooo hot.

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