These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Dude … your breath is fucking horrible. I guess that’s not really a horoscope, but still. Dear lord.
You will endure a barrage of swallowing-centric innuendo this week after your uvula swells up, blocking your windpipe and nearly choking you to death. In the future, you’ll want to practice fellatio on something less abrasive than a wooden broom handle. (You definitely do need to keep practicing, though.)
You’ll realize that vowing never to leave the state and attending a university owned by a corporate cult ended up having unanticipated consequences after all when learning that the Earth isn’t flat comes to you as a great shock. You will also finally let your sphincter relax and grow a beard. Yes, even you, female Libras. Let your freak flags fly.
After spending one hour browsing through Huffington Post this week, you will get the impression that over half the American population is transgender, prompting you to realize that you are also transgender. This will then lead you to discover that you have actually been incorrectly sexed this whole time. Granted, it was hard to tell just from looking at you, even naked. So that’s good news, I guess, sort of.
After attending a music festival held in a polygamous community, you’ll decide to give polygamy a try. This will end as well for you as when you attended that other music festival and tried LSD and meth at the same time.
Much to your family’s horror, after finishing Dave Eggers’ “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius” this week, you’ll decide to start referring to the bathroom as your “masturbatorium.” The upside is that everyone in the house will finally start washing their hands regularly.
Lately it’s felt like your life is crashing in on you. Yeah, you probably should have scheduled the termite exterminator months ago.
This week you should try not to make mountains out of mole hills. Seriously, that’s a LOT of work, and the payoff is what? A bunch of moles as friends. Moles is assholes.
Never give up on your dreams, even when they seem impossible. So, yeah, keep trying to signal aliens by blowing fire at the night sky. Why not.
Don’t forget that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. So, stock up on tissue paper. It’s time to get learnin’.
If dogs were people and people were dogs…Koala’s would rule the world.
Your body is a temple. So, while people need a recommend to get inside, just remember there’s that whole, fun, open-house thing that happens first.
