These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
This week, Venus and Pluto will have secret sizzling romances, so crank up ChatRoulette and get nude.
A koala who has learned to type will offer you life advice, and you will actually click to read it. Seriously! And you are allowed to vote. This is why our country is going to shit.
Opportunities may present themselves in surprising ways this week. Most of them will lead to life in prison, though.
Two strangers will visit you this week, and they will hand you a booklet about some seriously wacky religious mumbo jumbo. Be gentle with them. They are living in a very fragile parallel reality.
You will be particularly focused on what you need to do this week, dear Gemini. Translation: a little cocaine never killed anyone.
Great riches await you this week if you step outside of your comfort zone. But who are we kidding? You’re not going to step outside of your comfort zone. So accept your poverty and go back to eating Cheetos.
You will have a visit from an old friend this week, dear Leo. Remember when you used to have friends?
You’ll find yourself emotionally vulnerable this week. Take preemptive action by starting every conversation with “I’m not sad! You smell like onions!”
A tall stranger will suggest you get a tattoo of Winnie the Pooh wearing a thong. Be sure to thank them. Best tattoo ever!
You’ve successfully surrounded yourself with cheerful people, Scorpio. Not a really smart move. Punch one of the happy bastards, and go find some jaded, bitchy friends … you know, your people.
You are a bubbling cauldron of bad ideas. Always remember: No one cares what you think, except your cat. It believes in you. So, you know, maybe start pooping in a box or something.
This week you will continue to have good luck in your affairs, you cheating asshat, you.
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Your Weekly Horoscope
Your Weekly Horoscope
