Your Weekly HoroscopeThese horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

This month, you will act like a greedy, impatient child. Everything is about you, and everyone is in your way. Merry Christmas, ‘merica!

Pisces

Your dream of a white Christmas will sadly die. But you live in southern Utah, so this shouldn’t be a surprise.

Aries

It’s time to shake things up at work. Consider wearing nude jeggings, and only nude jeggings … no, really, I’m sure it will make people respect you more … I promise … lol.

Taurus

You’ve always been especially attuned to the needs and feelings of others. However, maybe shouting out “Susan has to pee!” in the middle of a meeting isn’t the best use of this ability.

Gemini

You know that one friend who always becomes a bit of a Grinch during the holidays? Buy them a bottle of Jack and watch their heart grow three sizes.

Cancer

Did you know there is a movement of people trying to prove the earth is flat? This isn’t a horoscope so much as an acknowledgment of the death of humanity.

Virgo

This Christmas, don’t forget to remember the reason for the season … which I think has something to do with pagans and cultural appropriation or some such.

Leo

You know Dave, that guy from work? This is the perfect time of year to slide a stick of deodorant into his desk as a not-so-subtle hint that he’s slowly killing everyone in the office with his body odor.

Libra

Life is a process of constant change. Nothing stays the same. Well, except cheese in a can … yeah, I think that doesn’t change.

Scorpio

People want the best for you. No, really, they do. They just have an odd way of showing it. I mean, they’re constantly telling you to go screw yourself, so they’re actually suggesting you go enjoy one of your favorite pastimes. See? Nice.

Sagittarius

2017 hasn’t been very kind to most of you. Now is the time to start looking forward to 2018. Consider offering it a nice sacrifice … maybe a goat or a b-list celebrity.

Capricorn

This month, you will gorge on shitty treats delivered by neighbors who all mock you behind your back. Try not to choke on their sweet lies.

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Despite a disagreement with Noah over bathroom policies on the Ark, Tryptophan the all-knowing koala survived the flood by windsurfing with Utnapishtim for forty days and nights. In the 1800s, he hung out with Rasputin until the dude got weird. Currently, Trippy (as he prefers to be called) writes a weekly horoscope column for The Independent and offers freelance necromancy services at an affordable price. When he’s not raising the dead for low low rates, Trippy enjoys jazzercising and listening to the early work of Cat Stevens. (He’s also the creation of Darren M. Edwards and Jason Gottfried — who co-wrote horoscopes with Edwards through July 9, 2017 — but that’s entirely unimportant.)

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