These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

A home improvement project will cost you a thumb, a finger, and your sanity this week. Maybe skip installing what you’d planned on and install some padded walls instead.

Pisces

You’ve been feeling a great deal of jealousy toward a romantic partner lately. Don’t worry, they’re not cheating on you, and certainly not with psychic koala. In an unrelated note, pick up some more greens when you’re grocery shopping this week.

Aries

Pat, you need to be considerate and stop taking up two parking spots with your 2015 tan Chevy Silverado. Bad things may happen otherwise — And they say these things are never specific.

Taurus

Your passion is high right now, so set aside private time with your partner. Plan a romantic evening, open a bottle of wine, and get busy! Unless you’re Mormon, then open a bottle of cider or something and get busy. Unless you’re Mormon and not married, then split a box of chocolate milk and…I don’t know…read scriptures I guess.

Gemini

Your persistent belief that the world is a good place filled with good people will be tested this week when you find yourself in an elevator stuffed with sales people who just left a “How to win friends and influence people” seminar.

Cancer

This one is going to hurt. There is no such thing as the friend zone. The person you feel just put you in there actually has you in the “OMG this creep is scaring me and I can’t say no any clearer; why aren’t they getting this; I hope they don’t start stalking me” zone….ya douchebag.

Virgo

I know it seems like everyone except you is getting a piece of the pie. Don’t worry, it’s filled with ExLax.

Leo

The dating world can be scary. It can be even scarier when you’re attracted to Juggalos. Ha! Just kidding. No one is attracted to Juggalos.

Libra

Did you know that biting your lips to make them plumper is a trend? Similarly, slamming your head into a wall will make you smarter…give them both a try this week.

Scorpio

Money is a constant stressor for you because, you know, you’re human and shit. Have you tried not being human? It seems to have worked for a certain orange political figure.

Sagittarius

There is a lot of hate in your heart. Not that it’s a bad thing. The world is full of arseholes. Hate seems a pretty reasonable response.

Capricorn

This is not the week to rush. Pace yourself in everything you do. Especially pooping. Hemorrhoids is the worst.

 

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