These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius:

This is the week to chase after love. So, if you see a fat man with wings and tiny bow and arrow, get a running.

 

Pisces:

If you haven’t noticed, the world is going to shit at that moment. But, yeah, let’s focus on what you should eat for lunch this week…I don’t know…kale.

 

Aries:

You need to be more assertive at work if you ever want to get noticed. Try pushing people in the chest and shouting “What now mother f@^ker?” whenever you pass them in the hallway.

 

Taurus:

It’s time that you discover your true voice. Try prank calling people in different racist accents until you find one that works for you.

 

Gemini:

The planetary alignment this week will wreak havoc with your social life. Well, it could be that, or it could just be that this is the week people will finally have had enough of your shit.

 

Cancer:

There are many people who rely on you, and you have a great deal of demand on your time. Don’t forget to focus on yourself…That’s the point of these things right…to make you feel better about being a selfish prick. No?

 

Virgo:

It’s a new day Virgo! Not that it should be a surprise. This is how time works. We get a new one every 24 hrs. Have you not been paying attention?

 

Leo:

This week you will be faced with a choice that could lead to a powerful transformation. Learn from Jeff Goldblum and DON’T go into the teleporter.

 

Libra:

The universe is a vast, empty, cold place. Don’t forget to bring a towel.

 

Scorpio:

You’ve been feeling drained of late. It’s been difficult to focus. You could have a blocked chakra. Try meditating. Or, you could have mono. See a doctor and stop making out with strangers on the bus.

 

Sagittarius:

You will feel a strong urge to lash out in revenge at someone who has hurt you this week. Resist this urge. Life is too short to waist these opportunities. Take your time. Plan carefully. And make them wish they’d never crossed you.

 

Capricorn:

It’s important to move forward without looking back. I mean, that’s how you trip over shit. Watch where you’re going dude.

 

More from Trippy Koala

Your Weekly Horoscope

Your Weekly Horoscope

Your Weekly Horoscope

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Despite a disagreement with Noah over bathroom policies on the Ark, Tryptophan the all-knowing koala survived the flood by windsurfing with Utnapishtim for forty days and nights. In the 1800s, he hung out with Rasputin until the dude got weird. Currently, Trippy (as he prefers to be called) writes a weekly horoscope column for The Independent and offers freelance necromancy services at an affordable price. When he’s not raising the dead for low low rates, Trippy enjoys jazzercising and listening to the early work of Cat Stevens. (He’s also the creation of Darren M. Edwards and Jason Gottfried — who co-wrote horoscopes with Edwards through July 9, 2017 — but that’s entirely unimportant.)