Your Weekly Horoscope

Aquarius

You will spend several hours frantically searching your house for the remote control only to find it in the refrigerator next to the condoms and the toothpaste. You really need to get your shit together, dude.

Pisces

You will never bake a pan of brownies without immediately devouring the whole thing then slumping into a deep guilt filled, sugar fueled comma. Plan your life accordingly.

Aries

Yes, there is an alternate reality with a successful version of yourself who is confident and charismatic. You are the stuff of their nightmares.

Taurus

If you think about it, people and animals have been shitting for millions of years. It’s likely that every square inch of the planet has been covered in fecal matter. So, when your mom calls you a piece of shit this week, don’t take it too hard.

Gemini

This week you will start a spiritual pilgrimage of sorts. Or to be less dramatic, you could just say that you’re walking down to the Arby’s to eat something that vaguely resembles animal flesh.

Cancer

That goal you’ve been thinking of shooting for lately, go for it. I mean, it can’t be that difficult to find a mime you can take in a fight.

Virgo

There are more stars in the sky than insults a drunk can dream up at 3 in the morning.

Leo

If you’ve ever wondered who buys that ultra-expensive “artisan” bottled water, it’s horrible, terrible people. I mean…just the worst there is.

Libra

Someone close to you is in serious need right now. I wish I could be more specific than that, but I’m really lazy. So, have fun stressing and guessing.

Scorpio

You will receive a confusing series of texts this week from an older relative who mistakenly thinks AF is an abbreviation for “always family.”

Sagittarius

This week you will develop a new fear of men in tan khakis, white polo shirts, and red hats.

Capricorn

It’s time to call a spade a spade…er, a Nazi a Nazi. You shouldn’t need a koala to point this out to you.