Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
Aquarius
Pisces
Word play aside, your plan to see if you can make yourself “explode” from indulging in Utah’s Pie and Beer day wasn’t a wise one.
Aries
This week a lot of strangers will somehow feel comfortable commenting on your appearance. Don’t forget to tell them to go to hell, or lick them. You know, whatever you can do to make them feel uncomfortable about doing that in the future.
Taurus
Don’t feel ashamed of your intense love for Star Wars. Remember, billions of people walk around in their own imaginary universe controlled by an old dude with a beard. Honestly, of the two, your obsession is less creepy…and less genocidey.
Gemini
Your stress over the healthcare debate is really unnecessary. I mean, you’re already dead inside.
Cancer
Here’s a life hack for you. Every time you get bad news, just add “on the shitter” to it to lighten the blow. “Your services will no longer be required…on the shitter.” “I’m leaving you…on the shitter.” “Trump is president…on the shitter.” See, I feel better already.
Leo
Lately, you’ve been feeling a lack of control in your life. Start peeing on things to signify your dominance over them.
Virgo
This week a small child will ask you what happens to people when they die. Resist the urge to say “they get molested by the mortician, sweetheart.” Their large mortician father will not find it as funny as you and I do.
Libra
You have done horrible, twisted things in your life. You should feel ashamed of yourself every minute of every day, but hey, you’re human. It’s just part of the gig. Go drink some coffee and curse at someone.
Scorpio
This week your horoscope comes in the form of a haiku: You are small and dumb / but many people may still love you / You’ll die regardless.
Sagittarius
Forty minutes into trying to explain the difference between patriotism and nationalism to a neighbor your brain will give up and you’ll have a stroke. Try punching them in the face around minute 37. Then reward yourself with a beer — ‘Merica!
Capricorn
People say to imagine your audience in their underwear if you’re nervous about public speaking. I say screw the speech. Stay at home in your underwear, and eat some dead animal flesh.
This week’s horoscopes written by Darren M. Edwards
