Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

 These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.


Sadly, you will die this week. What? There are millions of Aquariuses, I’m bound to right about some of you.


Word play aside, your plan to see if you can make yourself “explode” from indulging in Utah’s Pie and Beer day wasn’t a wise one.


This week a lot of strangers will somehow feel comfortable commenting on your appearance. Don’t forget to tell them to go to hell, or lick them. You know, whatever you can do to make them feel uncomfortable about doing that in the future.


Don’t feel ashamed of your intense love for Star Wars. Remember, billions of people walk around in their own imaginary universe controlled by an old dude with a beard. Honestly, of the two, your obsession is less creepy…and less genocidey.  


Your stress over the healthcare debate is really unnecessary. I mean, you’re already dead inside.


Here’s a life hack for you. Every time you get bad news, just add “on the shitter” to it to lighten the blow. “Your services will no longer be required…on the shitter.” “I’m leaving you…on the shitter.” “Trump is president…on the shitter.” See, I feel better already.


Lately, you’ve been feeling a lack of control in your life. Start peeing on things to signify your dominance over them.


This week a small child will ask you what happens to people when they die. Resist the urge to say “they get molested by the mortician, sweetheart.” Their large mortician father will not find it as funny as you and I do.


You have done horrible, twisted things in your life. You should feel ashamed of yourself every minute of every day, but hey, you’re human. It’s just part of the gig. Go drink some coffee and curse at someone.


This week your horoscope comes in the form of a haiku: You are small and dumb / but many people may still love you / You’ll die regardless.


Forty minutes into trying to explain the difference between patriotism and nationalism to a neighbor your brain will give up and you’ll have a stroke. Try punching them in the face around minute 37. Then reward yourself with a beer — ‘Merica!


People say to imagine your audience in their underwear if you’re nervous about public speaking. I say screw the speech. Stay at home in your underwear, and eat some dead animal flesh.


This week’s horoscopes written by Darren M. Edwards

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