Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

While painting a room this week, you’ll have beautiful visions of heaven. Your childhood pet will run to you, and a long lost relative will give you a hug…or, you can remember to crack a gods damned window and save some brain cells.

Pisces

When a storm floods your basement this week, you’ll have a choice: Pay some high priced restoration company to come fix the mess, or embrace your new destiny as a Namor King of Atlantis!

Aries

The end of a long relationship will leave you with a giant hole in your heart. Fortunately, that hole is the exact size and shape of a large chocolate cake.

Taurus

You know Jim from work? That guy who feels the need to mansplain everything. This is the week to tell him to crawl up his own ass.

Gemini

This week you will win a spicy burrito eating contest! In an unrelated note, you’ll shit your pants nine times! Okay, one may have something to do with the other.

Cancer

It’s funny how people look for confirmation from others to support their fragile egos. Like, I don’t know, hoping that for once a psychic koala will say something nice instead of affirming, yet again, that you are a giant douche-face.

Virgo

A good friend once told you that you can accomplish anything you want to in this life. I think they may have had higher aspirations for you than successfully eating the “family meal deal” from the pizza place down the road all by yourself.

Leo

While typing this week you’ll keep accidentally hitting the “u” button while hitting the “y” button causing you to type “byu” instead of “by”, like a thousand times. Don’t mistake this as a message from god that you should transfer to Brigham Young University. Do take it as a hint that you have really, stupid fat fingers.

Libra

Upon realizing that your three-year-old can’t actually say a real word, you may begin to question letting them watch nothing but the Minions movie since they were born.

Scorpio

While at a social gathering this week, you will use a friend’s bathroom only to find, too late, that they are out of toilet paper. I have no advice for you, just start bracing for the social fallout now.

Sagittarius

You will spend some time cloud watching with a friend this week. Heads up, when they say “hey that one looks like a naked dude falling from a tree,” it’s actually a naked dude falling from a tree.

Capricorn

Vaccines have eradicated dozens of deadly diseases, saved millions of lives, are endorsed as safe by the overwhelming majority of the scientific community, and the study that serves as the basis of the entire anti-vaxxer movement has been debunked, retracted, and its author forced to admit its falsity…but sure, go ahead, risk your kids life on the word of an ex-porn star and her comedian ex-husband.

This week’s horoscopes are written by Darren M. Edwards

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