These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Because you are susceptible to suggestion, you will go gluten-free this week, knowing deep down that it will have literally no positive impact on your health.
This week is just gonna suck, Pisces. I mean, the stars are just a heaping pile of shit for you right now.
You are so unbelievably vain that later this week you will hear Carly Simon’s “You’re So Vain” and literally wonder whether the song is about you.
Apparently heroin is a big thing in Utah these days. See? Utah does have _some_ culture.
Turnabout is fair play this week when you begin spying on your microwave.
You will suffer a massive brain hemorrhage after watching CNN, NBC, and CBS while listening to the BBC and reading the Washington Post at the same time, making you the first — but not the last — to literally die of a fake-news-induced aneurysm.
You will be shocked this week when you realize that you shouldn’t take advice on what is real from a talking koala.
This week, a friend will talk about letting children eat dirt to build their immune systems. Resist the urge to try this yourself. You are not a child, you just have the bladder control of one.
As the weather continues to improve, your seasonal depression will wave goodbye this week. Of course, your regular depression will be there to greet you with a knee to the gut.
Try taking up a new hobby this week…maybe alcoholism.
Faith is the power of the Divine. The Divine is a d-list wrestler in Montana, and “faith” is her signature move where she pokes her opponent in the eye. Isn’t studying religion fun!
You will spend much of this week alone. This will make you question whether or not people find you annoying…They do. Look, I just solved your biggest question for this week. You’re welcome.
