National Park Service director Jonathan Jarvis announced desecration-focused festivities to be held in national parks across the nation this week commemorating the NPS’s centennial anniversary, including Zion National Park. The centennial’s theme is “Finders, Keepers.”
“Aug. 25 marks one hundred years of calculated desecration of Indian homelands, and we couldn’t be more proud,” Jarvis said. “Zion National Park was considered sacred to its original inhabitants. And now it’s ours, ha! They were chased away long ago by pioneer settlers who ironically were also being chased away … something about diddling girls and a hatful of rocks. Anyway, as is the American Way, we have stolen something, taken credit for it, and turned it into what God intended all of creation to be: a friggin’ cash cow. Let’s party!”
The festival will include national-park-centric games such as bolt-drilling for kids, whack-a-squirrel, and “Catch It, Bang It,” wherein patrons are encouraged to shoot and subsequently bang wildlife.
“Ever bang a dead jackrabbit?” Jarvis asked. “It’s sublime. Just please remember not to use lead ammunition. It could accidentally kill a condor. You’ve got to shoot them dead or it’s no fun.”
“Condors do make for some good banging, though,” he added.
The festival will also host the first official attempt to set the world record for the most people to simultaneously urinate off of Angel’s Landing.
“Finally, I can piss off of Angel’s Landing without worrying about pissing off the rangers,” said St. George resident Sprayden Young, 43.
Zion National Park superintendent Jeff Bradybaugh reminded festivalgoers to pack it in, pack it out.
“After enjoying the majesty of this pilfered land with a meal of fried chicken, Clif bars, Doritos, and Gatorade, please don’t forget to throw your trash away … or take it with you, burn it, eat it, whatever,” Bradybaugh said. “We just want to be able to milk this place for all it’s worth. Don’t want to scare away those locust-like swarms of Asian and European tourists. That would be irresponsible stewardship.”
Editor’s note: This piece is satire. Anyone who has banged even just a modest amount of wildlife knows that jackrabbits are insensitive lovers, and their corpses stiffen too quickly for necrophilia. Bison are far preferable.