These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Aquarius
Don’t be careless with your words this week. Words hurt, but getting punched in the face for something you said hurts worse.
Pisces
Now is the time to plan for the future. Be extra kind to your toaster and prepare for the reign of our new robot overlords.
Aries
A strange series of events will lead to a strong bond with a stranger this week. So, unless you want to spend a day with Mr. onion breath, be sure to carry some nail polish remover or better yet some industrial strength solvent.
Taurus
You will struggle to maintain focus at work this week. Use this time effectively by Facebook stalking old classmates and working on your Minesweeper skills.
Gemini
It is vital for you to lean on your closest friends for advice this week. Unfortunately, since your stuffed Minion, Ficus, and pet turtle can’t talk…you’re screwed.
Cancer
To find success at work this week, you need to let your imagination lead the way. Correction, remove all the dancing animals and singing plants and then let your imagination lead the way.
Virgo
Avoid wearing your emotions on your sleeves this week. In fact, just avoid wearing sleeves at all. Unless you’re in Utah. They frown on that sort of thing there.
Leo
You will discover a new romantic interest this week. They will make your heart a raging inferno. The spicy tacos you eat will have the same effect on your bowels, so maybe wait until next week to approach your new crush.
Libra
This week you will find yourself busy constantly putting out fires at work. Keep an eye on Steve…I think he’s the fire bug.
Scorpio
You need to take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror this week. See that pimple just to the side of your nose? No? Really? Because everyone else does.
Sagittarius
You will find yourself in a funk this week. Try drinking a gallon of expired milk. It will cleanse your feelings…and your stomach…all over your living room carpet.
Capricorn
Be extra careful not to put your romantic partner on a pedestal this week. They’re afraid of highest and you have a bad back.
More Articles Like “Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala”
