These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Aquarius

This week you will discover what happens when you drink three gallons of Diet Coke in one sitting. Hint, it doesn’t make all of your problems go away; however, it does make all of your teeth and some of your internal organs disappear, so…

 

Pisces

After a lengthy conversation with a man named Herbert, you will decide to quit your job and join his “unique” startup. You will also learn a new phrase, “pyramid scheme”. Welcome to Utah.

 

Aries

The Christmas lights are all so pretty. They are fun to stop and watch. Just be aware that the creepy dude out in front of you house isn’t admiring your lights. He’s pooping in your bushes.

 

Taurus

After a frustrating day at church, you will decide to found your own religion. The downside is that no one else wants to worship kale. Most of don’t even want to eat it. The upside? Tax exemption and a free pass to hate anyone you want!

 

Gemini

Your recent decision to change up your hairdo will start paying off soon. You’ll get more recognition at work, admiration from strangers, and you may even meet the love of your life. Just kidding! No one gives a shit about your hair cut, Susan.

 

Cancer

It’s time to grow up. Move out of your parent’s house. Get a job. Get a haircut. Start changing your own diapers. Learn to walk. Punk ass babies.

 

Virgo

This week your hunt for the perfect Christmas tree will find end in a trip to the emergency room. I mean, yeah, the needles would be perfect for hanging ornaments, and it definitely fits the area, but it’s not really worth the risk of transporting and setting up an eight foot cactus.

 

Leo

Much to your dismay, you will realize that the past six months haven’t been a horrible, horrible dream. Yes, millions of American’s are rooting for a child molester to get elected. Yes, it does feel like Nazis have taken over the White House. And, yes, you did spill red wine on your favorite top.

 

Libra

This is the time to start building your defenses. There are only so many days left until that fat bastard tries to come and steel your cookies. Forget presents. Stay focused on what matters. #savethecookies.

 

Scorpio

Did you know that as a koala, I don’t celebrate the holidays? Yep, as one of the world’s cutest marsupials, I will be spending the holiday season simply eating whatever I want and pooping at will…so, actually kinda the same as you.

 

Sagittarius

Time stops for no man…or woman…or trans man or trans woman…or non-binary individual. Basically time is just an asshole waiting to fu*# us all up, no matter who we are.

 

Capricorn

It’s never too early to start thinking about New Year’s resolutions. Maybe you could focus on learning the guitar? Or, shedding some extra weight? Or, here’s a brilliant idea, spend 2018 trying not to be such an ass, Tim.

 

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