Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
You will try your hand at Ouija this week, but when you find yourself spelling “I are a douchebag,” you’ll be too creeped out to continue.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
After reading “Mein Kampf” for the first time this week, you will decide to grow a cute lil’ mustache.
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
This is not the week to make financial investments. I mean, come on. You have eight dollars.
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
In an overcaffeinated rage, you will accidentally snap your own ankle while violently attempting to force your pants on without taking off your shoes first. Life lesson #1: an entire pot of coffee is too much. Life lesson #2: pants before shoes next time.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
In honor of your pioneer heritage, you will shit in the back yard all week and flirt with your neighbor’s kids.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You will retrieve a vibrating sex doll from a neighbor’s swimming pool this week and promptly attempt to sodomize it, failing to realize in time to avoid prosecution that his daughter had had a seizure and fell into the water.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
You will try your hand at the Tarot this week, but when you come across a card entitled “The Fool,” you’ll be too creeped out to continue.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
You will make your first attempt at fasting this week. It will last for precisely two hours, at which point you will lay waste to an entire birthday cake. At the grocery store. Before paying for it.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
Venus will conjunct Pluto this week. Your mother will walk in on you watching Venus conjuncting Pluto, much to your mutual embarrassment.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
In a carbohydrate-fueled frenzy, your beloved will ingest what was to be her engagement ring, forcing you to covertly sift through her bowel movements by hand over the course of the next 24 hours. Try to be romantic about it.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
You’ll accidentally read your Vedic horoscope rather than your Chinese horoscope this week, resulting in you believing in the wrong made-up nonsense.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
You will try your hand at masturbation this week, but when you look directly at your own genitalia, you’ll be too creeped out to continue.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
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