These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Shakespeare wrote that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. Unlike you, Shakespeare didn’t contract gonorrhea and conceive a child in the same weekend. If he did, he played it off with far more style than you will.
Your dream of being on national television will come true this week when police find the tapes you’ve been hiding.
You are outdoorsy and ambitious. However, when a tick crawls up your urethra this week, you’ll wish you weren’t.
You may feel the need to try to be clever in social situations this week. Don’t. You are far too stupid. Just shut up and eat your pie.
You do not have a “Buddha belly.” You are severely constipated. For the love of God, eat something — anything — other than cheese this week.
This week will provide you with many challenges: tying your shoes, not shouting profanities at strangers, breathing. Just remember to take things one day at a time and pray to Zeus the almighty that no one asks you to spell your own name.
You’ve always dreamed of being a superhero. This is the week to live out that fantasy. So, pull on those pink tights, sprinkle on some glitter, and go extra heavy with the black eyeliner. You are Captain Asshat!
When a coworker makes fun of you at the office this week, remember: You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. And nobody likes finding flies on their keyboard all week.
This week will be filled with many small treasures. Isn’t kleptomania fun!
Now is the time to try something daring. Get a new hairdo. Ride the bus. Punch a baby in the face. Crazy times, yo.
You need to have faith in yourself. You can handle Sriracha. Do it.
A sense of relief will envelop you when you meet your real father this week and finally realize why you are so incredibly hideous.
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Your Weekly Horoscope
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Your Weekly Horoscope
