According to inside sources, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump awoke to a large package at his backdoor early Friday morning.
While Trump has since denied ever receiving a package at his backdoor, a top Trump aid claims to have heard the millionaire real-estate mogul react to the contrary.
“Oh! That’s a really huge package!” Trump is alleged to have exclaimed upon discovering the package. “I’ve had a lot of packages at my backdoor, but this is just an absolutely huge package.”
The package, which was labeled “From Russia with Love,” contained famous Russian hand model Igor Manloveski. Known for the tremendous size of his hands, Manloveski has worked with several high-profile, overly-sensitive egomaniacs in his career.
Trump has consistently claimed that his tiny baby hands are actually normal for an adult male. However, a recent study conducted by people with way too much time on their hands found that Trump’s hands are unusually small for anyone with that large of a head.
“Mr. Trump suffers from what we like to call T-Rex Syndrome, a condition where the ratio of hand to head is drastically out of proportion,” noted Dr. Timor Benyana, who lead the study. “Seriously, dude’s hands are like crazy small.”
“No, really, they’re like dainty little boy hands,” Benyana added.
Political analysts have been speculating about the connection between Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin for weeks. Since former CIA director Michael J. Morell released a statement both endorsing Hillary Clinton and saying that Trump could easily be an unwitting Russian agent, the reality star with the puny pocket-stuffers has tried to distance himself from Putin.
That task may prove difficult for Trump who is said to have already begun practicing with Manloveski.
“It’s like watching a twisted form of puppetry,” noted Trump’s media director, Daniel Scavino Jr. “Donald stands with his hands down the front of his pants, and Manloveski stands behind him with his arms slid in through the back of Donald’s suit coat.”
“It’s like something Jim Henson might have dreamt up on a bad acid trip,” added Scavino.
Former NBA all-star Vlade Divac was reached for comment about Putin’s gift.
“How did you get my number?” shouted Divac. “I’m Serbian, not Russian, you ass!”
Divac did add “Trump does have some sad little gropers though,” before hanging up.
Trump, who used time during a presidential debate to argue that his hands and “other parts” are in fact well-endowed, has also begun a new dick pic campaign, although Photoshop experts have been quick to point out that the controversial political figure with pathetic excuses for man mitts had simply superimposed an eggplant coming out of his pants.
At press time, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, when informed of Trump’s new hand man, immediately reached out to Jared Leto about working as her smile double.
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