Your Weekly Horoscope by Jamnit Frainkle
Jamnit Frainkle provides southern Utah’s least inaccurate horoscopes for those who struggle with impaired decision-making skills
Aquaman: Jan. 20–Feb. 18
After a friend points out that they are called “horoscopes” and not “whore scopes,” you’ll continue to call them whore scopes anyway.
Seafood: Feb. 18–March 20
Success is definitely in the wind. That’s not a fart, it’s just what success smells like. If you don’t like the smell of success … well, it says a lot about your current station in life, doesn’t it?
Rocky Mountain Oysters: March 21–April 19
Business matters will take an unexpected turn for the better when your drug dealer overdoses in your bathroom. Yay! Free pants!
Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy: April 20–May 20
You’ll want the way you look to match the way you feel inside this week. Nevertheless, resist the urge to wear a Lady Gaga-style meat dress.
Bipolar Disorder: May 21–June 20
The more good things that happen to you this week, the more confident you’ll feel. Choosing to drink a beer every hour will augment those feelings somewhat.
Literally Cancer: June 21–July 22
You’ll find that the sky’s the limit this week when a homemade catapult smashes you against what appears to be a Plexiglas dome.
Cat Meme: July 23–Aug. 22
You’ll celebrate President’s Day this week by painting yourself orange, grabbing a stranger’s cat, and having friends over for covfefe.
Feminazi: Aug. 23–Sept. 22
Your love of Tori Amos will go too far — or according to you, just far enough — when you finally crucify yourself, kicking off a whole new religion with entirely different underwear from all the others.
Illuminati: Sept. 23–Oct. 22
The stars indicate that financial success is in store for you this week. They also indicate that the Andromeda galaxy is hurtling towards our own at an alarming rate, so take that with a grain of salt.
Head lice: Oct. 23–Nov. 21
Push yourself toward higher aspirations this week. No reason to settle for less! Go for the gold! It’s in your grandma’s closet in a shoebox.
Summer Camp: Nov. 22–Dec. 21
This week promises exciting new adventures in exotic places. And you’ll finally get to bang a dolphin.
Goatse: Dec. 22–Jan. 21
After a friend points out that they are called “horoscopes” and not “horse scopes,” you’ll continue to call them horse scopes anyway.
Jamnit Frainkle is a licensed marriage counselor and an amateur taxidermist. She studied astrology and Texas Hold ‘Em in the mountains of Tibet with Yogi Tryptophan the All-Knowing for nearly two hours. She offers family therapy, romantic advice, clairvoyant mumbles, and deceased-pet-stuffing services to pathetic losers in southern Utah at discount prices.
Editor’s Note: These horoscopes are satire … not that it really matters either way.
