These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Holy crap, the Moon squares Pluto, and there’s a Venus/Neptune trine, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got divorced! I’m just a koala, so I don’t really understand any of that … but still, holy crap.
Look, you’re lonely because you’re aiming too high, directly at the tits. Aim lower, but not directly at the crotch, either. Unless you’re just trying to get laid, in which case definitely aim for the crotch.
The more you open up to people, the more you’re going to get hurt, so just lie to everyone about everything. It works for me.
If other people become loud and angry about a surprise announcement this week, just take your pants off. They’ll stop.
Every good thing must come to an end. Except for binge drinking. You can do that indefinitely. I think.
Dear Cancer, everyone just hates the shit out of you.
Saying goodbye to one thing gives you the opportunity to say hello to something new! So don’t get too excited when you find a cure for your herpes this week, because — well, you’ll find out soon enough what those lesions are.
There are a lot of emotions churning around in your heart this week, but they’re nothing compared to the churning that will be caused by an undercooked hamburger. You know they have cow shit in them, right?
Focus on your feelings of anger and regret this week since those are basically the only ones you have anymore.
Introspection can create a great deal of strength. Or it can just trigger another anxiety attack. Better watch TV.
It will be tempting to let others take the reins this week, particularly when your dominatrix makes you dress up like a horse.
It’s been months since you started experimenting in polyamory. Hopefully you’ve realized by now that it’s a lot safer and much more logical to just bang lots of strangers.
