Your Weekly Horoscope by Trippy Koala
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Aquarius
You will show up for the Joy & Eric concert at Vernon Worthen Park this week dressed up as a Chippy, mistakenly thinking it was going to be a Tim and Eric concert. Great job!
Pisces
A personal revelation will come to you this week illuminating the source of your struggle with self-esteem. It’s simply the fact that you suck so, so bad.
Aries
You will greatly embarrass your family this week when you horribly misuse the phrase “in arrears.”
Taurus
Your betrayal by a loved one this week will confirm that the safest approach to life is to never leave the house — or the tree, in case you happen to live in a tree.
Gemini
You will learn to truly love yourself this week. Use discretion when truly loving yourself unless you want your family walking in on you in the middle of that.
Cancer
In an attempt too seem hip, you will start wearing nothing but rompers. Sadly, this will just make you look even more like a giant infant.
Leo
Have you ever seen gooey duck? That’s what the stars are giving me for your horoscope this week … just “gooey duck.”
Virgo
It appears you have a choice this week. You can either shit yourself while out to dinner or you can have your first experience with a butt plug.
Libra
Scorpio
Sagittarius
This week you will get into a fist fight with a mime after he refuses to open an invisible door for you.
Capricorn
This week, despite the constant negative press covfefe
