These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
A major life decision will present itself this week. It may be difficult to recognize since it will present itself in a muumuu and a Carrot Top wig, so you’ll probably run away from it screaming, just like you do with everything else.
During this week, try to remember that honesty is always key, except when you want to win, succeed, or just not suck at everything.
This week you’ll feel like the walls are closing in around you. It’s not all in your head. You really should have sprayed for termites a long time ago.
A friend will come to you with a secret this week, an awkward secret involving gummy bears, a nipple ring, and a visit to a retirement home. Try and keep this one to yourself. I dare you.
Possibilities will surround you like a pack of angry wolves taunting your fear and indecision. So, you know, that’ll suck.
Your self-image has always been dependent on the opinions of others. This is the week to finally accept that the opinions of others don’t matter when you’re surrounded by idiots.
It’s good to know when to bite your tongue. And how hard. If you’re bleeding, it’s too hard. Also, do not bite someone else’s tongue unless you’re both naked.
This week, your endearing stutter will make you a god among a tribe of hyperintelligent squirrels.
Unleash your inner beast as the Aries full moon rises this week. Soon afterward, your neighbor’s pets will bear your twisted, glorious demihuman offspring.
You’re a peacemaker, but you won’t be able to fix other people’s problems this week, so just kill them all.
This is the week to be a grandstanding bigot. Lump your friends into vague stereotypes with sweeping, generalized observations, and be single-minded in destroying your children’s sense of self and turning each of them into Pygmalion projects.
Blame everything on your period this week — everything — even if you are male. Just put some blood in your underwear and be a full-on bitch. People will buy it.
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