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Your Weekly Horoscope

June 19, 2016

These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.

Dear Aquarius, you are a magical soul who brings hope to all those around you. Of course, you also bring body odor and flatulence, so that may explain your social struggles.

Dear Pisces, you will find yourself in a very dark place this week. Buy some nose plugs and hang out with an Aquarius. Trippy Koala — bringing people together since today.

Love will find you soon, Aries. It knows what you did last summer and won’t rest until your freshly-chopped corpse is being fed to farm animals.

Your boss may give you a reach-around at the urinal, Taurus. Better go for the flow if you value your job.

Gemini, a longtime friend will reach out to you with a business opportunity. It’s a pyramid scheme. Best to hold in your laughter at how pathetic their life is until you get back to your place.

You have many balls in the air this week, Cancer. Stop castrating people, or at least stop using the remains to practice juggling.

Leo, this week, the Moon sextiles Jupiter and trines Neptune, which to me is slightly arousing gibberish.

Trust your intuition this week, dear Virgo. If that translates as a mad last-minute sprint to the bathroom, just do what ya gotta do.

A mad scientist may blow up the Moon this week, dear Libra. Sure, it could wreak havoc on the Earth — but think of your horoscope! How will you ever manage your life without a random Koala telling you what to do? Don’t worry, I’ll keep making shit up, moon or no moon.

You should tie up loose ends this week, Scorpio. Burn the body.

You will have many opportunities for socializing this week. But season three of Agents of Shield just came out on Netflix, so let’s not kid ourselves, dear Sagittarius.