Fred and Kelly Dripwhisker were arrested in St. George Friday on charges of possession of food porn with intent to distribute as well as operating a commercial kitchen without a license.
Officer Bob Wrinkle said that dispatchers received a call from neighbors reporting loud moaning and banging accompanied by the smell of barbecue and freshly-baked treats.
“When we entered the premises, there were cucumbers and bagels everywhere,” said Wrinkle. “The floor was covered in ranch dressing and used condoms. It was disgusting. They had set up a photo shoot in the corner of the room where marital aids and various Little Debbie cakes were left in a pile. The perpetrators immediately ran out the back door, and when we followed they were stuffing nipple tassels and hot sauce into a garbage bag.”
One of the Dripwhiskers’ neighbors, Linda Please-Leave-Me-Alone, said that she was shocked to learn that her neighbors had been making food porn next door the whole time they had lived there.
“They didn’t seem like the type of people to do something like this,” said Please-Leave-Me-Alone. “I feel violated for eating the Christmas cookies they gave us last winter. At the time, I thought they were supposed to be infinity symbols or owl’s eyes or something, but now I know that I accidentally gave my kids boob cookies.”
Amanda Simpson, the creator of FoodPornDaily.com, said that the Dripwhiskers appear to have no idea what food porn is.
“These people are the Aleister Crowley and Anton LaVey of the culinary world,” said Simpson. “We just post pictures of cake and shit.”
Footage confiscated by the St. George Police Department reveals that the Dripwhiskers had been experimenting with necrophilia, bestiality, ritual orgy, engastration, and Lawry’s seasoning.
“The Dripwhiskers appear to have pioneered a new kind of Turducken that involved a series of animals — including not just a turkey, a duck, and a chicken but also three pigs, a goose, a possum, and several rabbits — in a full-penetration daisy-chain,” said Wrinkle. “We’re pretty sure these people have no idea what food porn is.”
The Dripwhiskers, seemingly oblivious to what food porn even is, remain unrepentant of their actions.
“Yeah, we made some food porn, so what?” said Kelly Dripwhisker while suggestively eating a banana shoved through a donut. “We’re artists. We’re just expressing ourselves. And it was all organic, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”
Bystanders at the scene expressed disgust, then simultaneously departed for Golden Corral.
At press time, the St. George Book Club had decided not to read “Portnoy’s Complaint.”
Editor’s note: This piece is satire. While it may be possible to recreate the scenes depicted above, it may be illegal. To be safe, simply sculpt animals out of tofu and make them bang each other.
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You should run this one on April first.