These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only. The authors cannot be held responsible for any decisions or actions based, in whole or in part, on any of the information presented herein. Really, even if you believe in horoscopes (especially if you believe in horoscopes), you shouldn’t listen to anything listed herein … wait, drink water. There, that’s some advice you can heed.
Aquarius
They say laughter is the best medicine. I bet it works to cure people of the dumbassery that leads to racism and hate. Have you laughed at a nazi yet this week?
Pisces
The solar eclipse this week will not have any of the astrological influences that some people are claiming. It will cause all french-fries to be overcooked this week. Switch to onion rings and everything will be okay.
Aries
It’s back to school time! Give a teacher a hug! They need it. Ask first though, some of them carry pepper spray.
Taurus
A toddler or elderly person you know will start a new art craze when they fling their poopy diaper at the wall and then demand the result get a frame put around it. It’s gross, but they’re going to be rich, so…time to start kissing some poopy butt.
Gemini
In an ongoing social experiment, your friends and relatives will continue to ignore how stupid you are to measure how long it takes you to figure it out on your own.
Cancer
The threat of nuclear war will give you nightmares all week. Don’t worry though, the actual nuclear war will put an end to those.
Virgo
With the start of a new school year you’ll find an odd sense of longing for the laughter of children at your local park. However, you will find the lack of local pedophiles quite refreshing.
Leo
Want a laugh? Tell your racist relative that you discovered a bunch of brown people in your family heritage. Then watch them implode with self-hate.
Libra
Love is hiding just around the corner from you waiting to jump out and say “boo!” Greet it by saying “bies.” Ha! “Boobies”
Scorpio
You know that thing you do a couple of times a week that you’re really ashamed of and would give anything to keep people from finding out about? I need to borrow $50.
Sagittarius
Parts of our country are very focused on our differences right now. Instead, let’s focus on what we have in common. We are all walking sacks of fertilizer that will die someday and decompose. Yay!!!
Capricorn
The most important thing is to believe in yourself. The next most important thing to believe in is an imaginary friend in the sky who you can blame all of your shortcomings on.
